see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
