I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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