Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
