I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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