Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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