people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
