my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
