so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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