best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
