I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
