The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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