Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think i got beer on your cat.
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