My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
