A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
