I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Someone came in the potted fern
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
