you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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