I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
