I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
