I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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