turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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