I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
