I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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