My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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