if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
