Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
