Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I have feelings that need drinking.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
