you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
