I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
