in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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