god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
