if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
