I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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