my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
