I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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