im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
