Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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