Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can text with my tongue
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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