I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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