I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
