I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
