I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
