I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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