its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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