We won't sleep together?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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