My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
