I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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