She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
