I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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