When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
