god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
How does one acquire holy water?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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