My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
