i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So squirting runs in the family.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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