i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
