So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
